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Body Keeps the Score...Triggers

By Madelyn Vida

FRI OCT 15, 2021

I have been suffering from sciatica since June. For those of you who haven’t experienced this pain it is excruciating. The pain radiates from the lower back all the way down to the leg and foot. I have mine on the left side which is slowly affecting my right side which is compensating for weakness. It didn’t help that I had to go to work full time which means 8 hours of sitting by my desk and 2 hrs. of train ride. So tired when I get home that I am hardly able to work out except for may be getting on my peloton once a week, volleyball on Fridays and maybe a paddle on weekends.

Treatments:

Tiny needles – my first course of action is to go for acupuncture. It did help alleviate some of the pain but still got worst over the weeks.

Big needle – Epidural. Since I will be travelling in a couple of weeks and which involves a long plane ride, I needed to make sure that I am able to walk. I still have to get an MRI and may be some physical therapy. But for now, I feel good.

On the day of the epidural the biggest trigger was being alone while placed under anesthesia. Hello Fear!!! What if something bad happens and I don’t have any family here in the city? How will I get home? Then of course, come the question of who is my emergency contact? Ugh. I have my chosen family, Rachel listed, and however, she is more than an hour away from me. So, I texted Rebekka, who was 15 minutes away from me. Both, I know are very attentive and have always been there for me.

All went well but I was wiped out. Placed my ringer on silence and tried to head to bed at 6:30PM. This time, I faced the biggest pain which was fear. Fear of being alone and fear of dying. Nurturing myself, I thought of my family and chosen family who have always been there for me. I am not alone. As for dying, it is bound to happen and I will have at least have D and K waiting for me with open arms. The process of dying, I have no control over.

Treatments involved going deep, may it be the use of needles hitting the nerves or laying down in silence and facing one’s fears. When I woke up the following day, somehow the physical pain was not as intense and the pain in my heart seem to have lighten up. I know pain and fear will come back but with a foundation of love ones and strengthening of my practice, I aim to learn from them. Sometimes, I resent being described as resilient. I am exhausted, I just want a hug, someone who will just be present not patted on the back for a job well done, for being courageous or strong. I am aware of these needs and sometimes the hardest part is to ask for help, to be a burden. I have to learn to trust. Trust that my love ones will always be there for me. Trust in myself. Trust that the universe has something for me this is why I am going through these learnings.

Hello Fear by Kirk Franklin

Hello fear

Before you sit down there's something I need to explain

Since you're here

I think I should tell you since we last talked things have changed

See I'm tired of being brokenhearted

So I made a list and you're on it

All my hopes and my dreams you took from me

I want those back before you leave

Hello fear

I knew I would see you,

You have a hard time letting go

See these tears,

Take a good look 'cause soon they won't fall anymore

God's healing my hurtful places

That seat that was yours now is taken

I'm no longer afraid, see I'm better this way

And one more thing before you leave

Never again will I love you

My heart it refuses to be your home

No longer your prisoner

Today I remember

Apart from you is where I belong

And never again will I trust you

I'm tired of fighting it's been way too long

No longer your prisoner

Today I remember

Who I was and now it's gone

They're gone, hello fear

Da da da da da, da da da da da da da

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Hello grace

It feels like forever, I thought my chance with you was gone

See your face, it reminds me of mercy

And please let me say I was wrong

Never knew your touch was endless

How you never run dry of forgiveness

Didn't know how bad it was, was afraid just because

Sorry fear, grace took your place

Never again will I love you

My heart it refuses to be your home

No longer your prisoner

Today I remember

Apart from you is where I belong

And never again will I trust you

I'm tired of fighting it's been way too long

No longer your prisoner

Today I remember

Who I was and now it's gone

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Farewell, goodbye, so long

Hello fear

Before you sit down there's something I need to explain